Thursday, June 20, 2013

Swimsuit? Already?

Have you ever tried to buy a swimsuit in mid-June?  It's not a pretty experience...especially for the "hippoesque" figure.  That's exactly what I spent about four hours doing today, and this was my second venture of the year.
My first venture was last weekend...and I scored black board shorts with POCKETS!  I was one proud momma, but we all know where pride leads to.  

"All right D.  All I have to do is find a top to go with these and we'll be good to go."
30 minutes later.  Nada.  My daughter was wide-eyed at the mistakes in fit.  Thankfully, she understood it was the poor designs of the suits.  After all, HER mommy was beautiful.
Today, all errors from that dressing room were magnified.  At least I know how to laugh about it.
Quotes from today:

"That sports top is so pretty.  I wish I could just wear that as a swimsuit top."
"Why not?" asked the sales lady.
"Honey, you don't understand.  I don't just have a muffin top.  It's an all out layer cake."
(Notice my tact in not mentioning my lower abdominal front-butt.  Oh come on.  You all KNOW your belly button gets longer with every baby..and I've had several.)

At another location, talking to another customer....
Her:  "No big flowery things.  I don't want to look attractive to bumble-bees."
Me:  "I hear ya.  And nothing too low cut either.  I don't need to look like a 'lady of the night.'"

At yet another store.  "This is pretty on the hanger, but it makes my boobs look like basset hound ears.  Not good.  Not good at all. It definitely needs more support."

Which brings me around to my general gripes about "womens" sized swim suits.  I want to know if the people designing them are a size 2, or male.  It's got to be one or the other because they tend to have at least one of the problems below.

Color issues:
1) Would you like Black or black with a bit of white?  Just black.  :  Most women do not look good in black, and it's hot!  Hello?  Do I want to look matronly and sweat? I think not.   It is not slimming.  It is aging.  Get it straight.  Going to the pool is supposed to be fun, not a kind of mourning.  Blinding neons are the other extreme.
2) Gaudy prints:  Whoever thought huge tropical flowers looked good on ANY article of clothing, mens shirts or women's swimwear needs to have their heads checked.   Oh, and the teeny-tiny geometrical prints are going to give someone a seizure one of these days.

Brassiere issues (or lack of):

1) Inadequate boob support:  You want to know why there are soooo many halter swimsuits on the clearance rack in the "plus" sizes....because plus sized women tend to have plus sized boobs.  Halter + D cup or above = disaster.  Likewise on that light lining with the spaghetti straps.  Nobody wants their nipples resting that close to their belly button.  Nobody else wants to see it either.

2) Inadequate strappage:   Even the suit I settled for really didn't have wide enough straps for a breastasuarus.  BUT they were there and didn't cut into the back of my neck, my shoulders, or let the girls fall down completely so they were a moderate success.

3)  Being "overlined".  I do not need a padded bra with structured cups. Trust me.  Neither does anyone else who wears a D, DD, or larger in real life. 

4) Being too low cut.  There are some parts of my body that are just meant for me and my husband.  There is such a thing as too sexy for a mom to wear in public.  My teen boys don't need to know I can go THERE.
A swimsuit, while it should fit like lingerie shouldn't look like least one I'm wearing shouldn't.

General Style/Fit issues:

A lot of these have been mentioned above, halters, stuff that looks like it should be sold at Fredericks, horrible prints and limited colors...but my real pet peeve is the swim dress....and it's cousin, the swim "skirt."
To be fair, I can't wear a one piece to save my life because there's a full 2 size difference between my lower half and my upper, but my general peeve about these styles is that they force our legs to rub together in wet conditions.  Let's just say that can lead to some uncomfortable redness, to say the least.  I do like being covered, thus why I covet swim shorts...but I'd rather wear granny panties than those skirted things.
Especially since they like to make most of it black w/ some hideous neon-tropical print for the bra cups.
I really think it's a conspiracy to keep fat chicks out of the pool...but it won't work, because I found a suit that WILL this year.  
And I'll be celebrating the first day of summer tomorrow at the pool.